When your baby grows up
Our youngest is almost sixteen months old. Many believe he should be considered a toddler at this point. But he has yet to act. The walking milestone is always my turning point, landing from baby to toddler. When he started walking, I was childless in this house. I'm not sure if I'm ready.
It's not always like this. I have never struggled with my kids growing and reaching milestones. I look at each new step with wonder and pride before quickly looking forward to the next milestone. Now to the next one! They are growing up and it is an honor to be on this tour together.
But since welcoming our third child - our last - I feel differently. I try to enjoy more little moments with him. However, each new milestone takes me further and further away from this child and all of my children. I've been in pain for a time that I'll never go through again.
The older kids ran back from the other room and stood next to me, waving at their little brother. Like a baby, my energy is fueled by their excitement. Maybe they are right. Maybe I need to let go and let him tell me what he's going to do.
Determined to at least give it a try, I crouched down and opened my hands. My husband slowly pried the chubby baby fingers from his hands until the baby stood up on its own. He paused for a moment, his spaghetti-covered arms spread out to his side, matching mine. At first, his eyes were fixed on the ground, as if it helped his balance. Then he looked up. Our eyes locked when he grinned at me, two dimples lined up on either side of his chubby cheeks. His bold determination to reach out and hug me propelled him. And just like that, like all his siblings before him, his wobbly feet lurched forward, more like a moving fall, into my waiting embrace.
I hugged him tightly, forgetting how messy he was at dinner. His siblings cheered and we all laughed along with the baby's giggles. He is proud of this newly established institution. Me too. "You did it! I knew you could!" I whispered into his hair.